BIAR BETUL?!

I feel different. It's a weird feeling, something which baffled me. What? Why? How? When? Biar betul aku ni?! Can't figure it out yet. Need some time to think about the whole thing and to make sure this is real.

ARRRGHHHH!!!!

Damn!! I feel like screaming! Pagi-pagi dah dapat bad news. Damn! Damn! Merosakkan mood happy semalam betul! Damn!

THE BLOST ME

These days I don't feel like myself. These days I feel BLOST. (blur and lost)

Kenapa entah..sometimes there are so many things going through my head at once macam kena attack dengan anak panah until i didn't know which one I should focus on first. Life, family, work, future, health, friends, and not to mention household matter. There were also times when my mind went totally blank and i feel like floating. It feels like sleeping with my eyes open and it usually happened while i'm driving or walking.

Yesterday, on my way to car park after visiting Auntie Tee kat hospital, i nearly got knocked down by a car. Terpikir gak how convenient kalau kena langgar kat hospital. Semua facilities dah ada, ambulan, strecther, paramedic, nurses, doctors. Confirm tak meninggal punye. Hehe..The day before nearly banged my car into another car. Not to mention how many times I drove in opposite direction because I didn't notice the one way sign. Opps salah perkataan, bukan tak notice. I knew it's a one way road tapi disebabkan blost; i only realize i'm in the wrong side of the road bila kena hon or kena 'sound lampu' dengan keta lain. Yang tersesat, tersalah masuk jalan tu jangan citer la, kalau tempat tak pernah pegi tu satu hal, tapi ni ke tempat aku memang familiar.

Turning on the CD player to full blast and listening to Eminem shouting is not helping at all. My mind was busy in another world. Apsal ek? Not enough rest? Yes. Not enough sleep? Maybe. Stress? Ermm, possibly. Lonely? Never. I don't think this is the side effect of staying alone. In fact i love being alone, enjoying my precious time all to myself. I can't deny that i'm draining. I feel so tired, tired of thinking too much. Maybe it was also caused by my health. I was supposed to go for follow up treatment but I didn't. Too many things to do which I feel is more important than seeing the doctor. For this moment, i can only justified my behavior as pre-new year syndrome. Next year I'm going to be a year older. You have more responsibilities as you get older and more responsibilities mean more things to think of. Agaknye hard disk otak dah penuh kot, sebab tu asyik hang je. Nak kena upgrade la tu. Whatever it is, i hope my blost situation is only temporary.

TETAPLAH KAU JADI MILIKKU - RADJA

bisakah engkau ku agungkan
sesuci dan secantik sang rembulan
mampukah engkau menahan godaan
dari seribu rayu manis yg datang
jangan pernah merasa gelap
di antara sinar-sinar yg terang
jangan pernah merasa sepi
bila engkau di tengah keramaian


biarlah hitam menjadi putih
tetaplah kau jadi milikku
jangan merasa dirimu masih sendiri
tetaplah engkau di sisiku


jujur saja wahai kekasih
saat ini aku tak bisa jauh
apalagi harus melupakanmu
sedetik pun kini aku tak mampu


biarlah hitam menjadi putih
tetaplah kau jadi milikku
jangan merasa dirimu masih sendiri
tetaplah engkau di sisiku
tetaplah engkau di sisiku
tetaplah kau jadi milikku



Suka music n lirik dia..best! Reminded me of ....

LAGU HEPI

One of the local song yang boleh buat aku ceria & happy bila dengar especially bila pagi-pagi time nak pi kerja. Never fail to uplift my morning mood whenever I listen to it!! :)

KU JUGA MENCINTAIMU - SAIFUL (Malaysian Idol)


Sukarnya untuk ku melupakan
Sinar matamu yang menawan
Terbayang-bayang tiap masa
Senyumanmu menggoda
Kehangatan terasa dijiwa
Tika kau lafaz kata cinta
Nafas terhenti seketika
Seakan sukar kupercaya


Ku juga mencintai dirimu
Mengapa sukar kuluahkan
Bukan sengaja ku menahan
Bibir membeku lidah terkelu
Ku juga mencintai dirimu
Kau amat sempurna buatku
Bukan saja aku biarkan
Kan ku ucap jua padamu



Sukarnya untuk kuucapkan
Kutakut akan kehilanganmu
Akan kubuat segalanya
Untukmu kekasihku
Cuma satu yang belum terbuat
Kalimah cinta kau nantikan
Bila masa dan ketika
Tidak dapat kumenjawabnya


Semalaman ku menunggu panggilanmu
Pabila terdengar suaramu
Ku terlupa segalanya



** Ciplakz from 'Meteor Garden' soundtrack
** Original Title: Qing Fei Dei Yi - Harlem Yu

p/s: Ainie, u kata asyik lagu sedih jek, kan? Tengok, i dah letak lagu hepi..hehehe :P

SIGH!!

Nearly RM90 for a full tank of petrol?! Haiyaa!! Dulu RM70 dah boleh dapat full tank. Baru aku perasan betapa mahalnye harga minyak sekarang..


Baik naik basikal jek pi kerja macam ni...

THE LONG GOODBYE - RONAN KEATING

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free (so they say)
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
But those words ain't pulling me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill
(climbin' up a hill)



This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye


Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
and I know without a doubt
I turned it inside out
And if we walked away
would make more sense (only self defense)
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we still could try
How long must we keep riding on a carousel
Going round and round and never getting anywhere?
(on a wing and prayer)


This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over, Let's face it
All that's happening here is the long goodbye


The long goodbye
The long goodbye
This is the long goodbye

Someone please tell me why

Are you ever coming back again
Are you ever coming back again
Are you ever coming back again
Guess I'm never coming back again

LEAVE RIGHT NOW

I'm here just like I said
Though its breaking every rule
I've ever made
My racing heart is just the same
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say I do
Give everything to you
But I can never now be true


So I say...
I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now


I'm here so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful
Perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs, at least I'm spared the low
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm
To feel my spirit calm


So I say..
I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now


I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say your right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten twice is shy
If I'm proud perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to lose you again
-Will Young-



There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go - Tennessee Williams

SPIRAL OF CONFUSION 2

I feel like i've turn into a zombie today. My mind can't think of anything else, still numb by what happened yesterday.

It wasn't supposed to start cos it's not going to be easy to stop. Aku tak patut biarkan semua bermula lagi. Tapi aku kalah dengan hati sendiri.

How can something so wrong feel so right?

Dia kata
"Kata-kata dan perbuatan mungkin boleh menipu, tapi tidak hati."

After the long talk i believe it was nothing but the truth. Aku percaya dia masih macam dulu. Tak ada yang berubah cuma keadaan.

I was supposed to be happy but I feel confused instead.

I don't feel like smiling cos i know this smile wont last.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what's wrong and what's right anymore.

No matter how strong the feelings are, it won't make any difference cos there won't be no ending to this turmoil.

Sepanjang hari aku berpikir.
The word 'SACRIFICE" keep on flashing in my mind.

"Bila hati tak pernah menipu, jalan terbaik ialah pergi jauh, jauh dari puncanya...."

As much as I want to have it, I guess I need to walk away.

After yesterday, i don't know whether I have enough courage to do it.
But I know I have to. Dunia kami dah berbeza.
I have to do it for the sake of everybody.

Some things are better left unsaid. Even if I didn't say it, doesn't mean that it's gone. It will still be there securely kept and locked in the safe corner of my heart.

"Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever."

JAUH MIMPIKU

Pernah ku simpan jauh rasa ini
Berdua jalani cerita
Kau ciptakan mimpiku
jujurku sesalkan diriku
Kau tinggalkan mimpiku
Namun ku hanya sesalkan diriku


Ku harus lepaskan mu
Melupakan senyummu
Semua tentangmu
Tentangku
Hanya harap
Jauh ku jauh mimpiku
Dengan inginku



by Peterpan



This song keep playing in my head over and over and over..boleh la pulak keluar kat radio tadi. Just exactly how I feel at the moment..

SPIRAL OF CONFUSION

Suddenly I remembered I have to return the thing.


I decided to meet Anne. Thought I'd pass it to her so there's no more business between me and Ef.


How wrong I was. When Anne told me about it, it was totally out of my plan but not knowing why, I just wanna do it. Without thinking I followed what my heart told me to.


Face your fears, that's what i keep telling myself all the way. And maybe after facing this fear of mine, i'll know whether i'm ready to forgive or not. I remembered buddy's advice, forgive and left the rest to the Almighty. Well, buddy..that's what i'm trying to do today.


I know really well the consequences. If i'm not strong enough I'm going back to the spiral of confusion. And with Ef, the possibility of me being the weakest link is quite high. But what the heck, i'm willing to take the risk. I'll never know if I don't try.


Nervous. Awkward. Indescribable feelings inside. Happy and sad. Anger and excited. Bitter and sweet. I tried to look uninterested but inside I'm fighting to ignore that the chemistry still exist. Me, the great master of disguise.At the end of the day, i know it is still there. For both of us. It has never changed. No words needed, we just knew it. It feels like how 'us' used to be. I keep forgetting and need to constantly remind myself that the situation has changed. And I know Ef is struggling to do the same too.


The anger's gone. Without realizing, i have long forgiven Ef. But the feelings remains. It was buried deep but never really cease. I have forgive, forget and accepted everything. The only thing I'm not yet ready is for us to be friends.


Maybe it wasn't a good idea after all cos I can sense that the spiral of confusion is waiting to swallow me...

LEPAS MASA LALUKU - RADJA

Mengingat dan membuka

Kisah lembaran lama

Membuatku tak bisa bicara

Ingin ku cium bumi

Tempat aku berpijak

Agar terhapus semua penyesalan

Seputih awan yang dilangit

Menghiasi angkasa

Sebening hatiku melepas

Masa laluku yang penuh hitam

Hilang, hilanglah sudah

Terkubur membisu

Jauh didasar hati ku

Lepas, lepas semua

Lepas masa lalu

Jadikan kenangan yang terindah

KEPADA YANG....

Kepada yg masih SINGLE...Cinta ibarat kupu2. Makin kau kejar, makin ia menghindar. Tapi, bila kau biarkan ia terbang, ia akan menghampirimu di saat kau tak menduga. Cinta mampu membahagiakanmu tapi sering pula ia menyakiti, tapi cinta itu hanya istimewa apabila kau berikan pada seseorang yang layak menerima.

Kepada yang ragu-ragu dengan PERNIKAHAN... Cinta bukannya mencari seseorang yang "SEMPURNA", tetapi menemukan seseorang yang mampu menjadikan dirimu sempurna.

Kepada PLAYBOY / PLAYGIRL...Jangan katakan "AKU CINTA PADAMU!" bila kau tidak benar-benar peduli. Jangan bicarakan soal perasaan bila itu tidak benar-benar ada. Jangan kau sentuh hidup seseorang bila kau hanya berniat main-main dengannya. Jangan menatap ke dalam mata seseorang bila apa yg kau lakukan hanya pembohongan. Hal paling kejam yg dilakukan ialah membuat seseorang jatuh cinta, sedangkan kau tidak berniat langsung "UNTUK MENERIMANYA" saat ia terjatuh.

Kepada yang PATAH HATI...Sakit... patah hati... bertahan selama kau menginginkannya dan akan menghiris luka sedalam kau membiarkannya. Persoalannya, bukan bagaimana kita mengatasi rasa sakit itu, tetapi adalah apa yang boleh diambil sebagai pengajaran dan hikmahnya.

Kepada yang BELUM PERNAH JATUH CINTA...Bagaimana kalau jatuh cinta? Mahu jatuh, jatuhlah! Tetapi, jangan sampai terjerumus. Biar selamba tapi stabil. Berkongsilah tetapi jangan tak adil. Cubalah untuk memahami tetapi bukan bermakna tidak boleh meminta apa-apa. Bersedialah untuk terluka dan menderita, tetapi jangan simpan semua rasa sakit jika itu yang benar-benar dialami.

Kepada yang ingin MENGUASAI...Hatimu patah melihat org yang kau cintai berbahagia dengan org lain, tetapi akan lebih sakit lagi apabila mengetahui bahawa org yang kau cintai ternyata tidak bahagia dgn mu.

Kepada yang takut MENGAKUI...Cinta menyakitkan bila anda putuskan hubungan dengan seseorang. Tetapi, lebih sakit lagi bila seseorang memutuskan hubungan dgn mu. Tetapi, cinta paling menyakitkan apabila org yang kau cintai, langsung tidak mengetahui perasaanmu terhadapnya.

Kepada yang masih bertahan MENCINTAI SESEORANG YANG TELAH PERGI...Hal menyedihkan dalam hidup ialah bila kau bertemu seseorang lalu jatuh cinta. Kemudian akhirnya menyedari bahawa dia bukanlah jodohmu dan kau telah mensia-siakan masa bertahun-tahun utk seseorang yang tidak layak. Kalau sekarang dia sudah tidak layak, 10 tahun dari sekarang pun dia tetap tak akan layak. Biarkan dia pergi dan lupakan.

HARI ITU

Akhirnya tiba gak hari tu, hari mama and ayah nak berangkat ke Tanah Suci. Sebelum ke airport we all ke surau dulu sebab ada majlis doa selamat untuk meraikan bakal haji and hajah dari taman tempat aku tinggal. Tahun ni ada 3 couple yang nak pegi. Tapi tak bestnye, bila majlis abis kebanyakan jemaah surau yang pempuan ni dok menangis la pulak. Pelik aku, bukannye kenal rapat pun and most of them baru jek first time aku kenal ari ni. Tapi diaorang punye sedih macam ngeri aku tengok. Aku yang parents nak pegi pun takde la over mcm tu. (Okla, aku memang takde perasaan, tapi kalau korang tengok style nangis tu korang pun akan pelik..confirm!) Bukan ape, aku rasa tak uncomfortable la dengan situasi menangis ni, at least doakan la diaorang selamat pergi selamat balik bukan menangis sampai buat aku rasa berat ati nak bagi parents aku pergi. Tapi biasa lah fitrah kebanyakan orang pempuan, suke menangis...

Sampai airport, urusan pendaftaran and semua yang bersangkut paut aje dah cukup buat aku semput. Konon, nak ambik time off je. Nasib baik aku apply gak cuti. Tapi takpe, untuk diaorang aku sanggup all out ari ni. Masa menunggu lebih kurang 5 jam sebelum departure rasa macam sekejap je. Bila jemaah mula nak boarding aku start rasa sayu tapi try control. (Malu seh since most of the officemates and managers were there). It's going to be more than a month before I get to see them again. Background zikir munajat buat environment lagi sayu. Aku peluk mama. Bila toleh kat adik, aku nampak dia menangis sambil sebelah tangan peluk mama and sebelah lagi dukung hariz. Bukan sikit-sikit punye tapi nangis yang bersungguh-sungguh and wife dia tengah dok kesat air mata adik. Masa tu la aku takleh handle and aku pun terjoin menangis sama. Mama jangan cerita la, time first group start boarding jek dia dah nangis. Ayah tetap cool as always. Entah berapa kali aku peluk and cium mama and ayah aku pun tak tau. Memandangkan diaorang among the last 2 groups yang akan boarding and the area dah lengang sikit, aku rasa ramai kot yang tengok drama kitaorang. Maklumla family jemaah haji lain cuma dibenarkan hantar sampai public concourse area je. Tapi sebab aku keje sini, dapatlah bawak adik, Shina and Hariz naik sampai ke departure hall. Time tu aku dah tak kira dah sapa pun nak nampak. Sedih gak, lama tu kena tinggal tapi diaorang pergi nak beribadat, so kenalah redha. Apapun aku bersyukur sebab finally tercapai gak impian diaorang nak ke Mekah..Alhamdullillah. Aku doakan diaorang selamat pergi dan selamat balik. Semoga diaorang pulang dengan haji yang mabrur..Amin!

ME AND MY THOUGHTS

Masa dalam keta tadi something pelik terlintas kat kepala aku. It was something which I have been avoiding and will not do as long as the anger is still inside. But the thought that crossed my mind on that spur of the moment was different. As if everything was forgiven and forgotten. For a while i was tempted to go for it but then my logic told me not to rush and think it over carefully. Am I really ready to do it? I don't know... Part of me still refuse to bury the hatchet . After all the toleration, the damage is too deep for me to simply forgive and forget. Maybe it was just a random thought since I was thinking about E earlier. For me, the passing thought might be a sign that it is possible. Whether it will happen or not, only time will tell and only God knows when...

THE MASTER OF DISGUISE

I hide the hurt deep down inside.



The words are spoken and the message has been communicated.

After all these years, why it's still hard for them to understand me?
I hate doing something half-heartedly, i hate hypocrisy.


I won't change because someone asked me to.

I know eventually I will but not until i'm fully ready for it.
And definitely not because of pressure from others.


I know I'm not perfect and I will never be.


Maybe i'm not good enough but I'm doing the best I can for the moment.


I'm not a saint either, but in my own ways, I tried to be a better person.


And I hate to be told what to do with my life.
I know they meant well, but don't they think that i have the right to plan my own life?
For the moment I just wanted to do it at my own pace.

Why can't they understand me?

The hurt is already there but this isn't the right time to be emotional.

Maybe one day they will understand and accept me the way I am.

But for now, i'll just ignore it. Forget it. Or just forgive them for it.

SURVIVOR'S

Beberapa minggu lepas ni memang minggu yang tak cukup tido and memenatkan. Lega rasanya bila kenduri doa selamat ari tu setel. Syukur, kenduri berjalan lancar and boleh tahan ramai gak orang datang, (tak caya cuba tengok gambar selipar kat gate sebelah depan tu..heheh). Nearly pukul 2 pagi barulah guest balik. By that time semua dah lepak & tak larat nak mengemas. Nasib baiklah guna catering servis, kalau tak alangkah sakitnya pinggang memberus pinggan mangkuk and tukang memberus tu tak lain dan tak bukan muka aku. Selamat!!

The next day lak rushing majlis berinai E kat rumah belah pengantin pempuan and esoknya majlis bersanding plak. Meriahnya side pempuan, majlis 3 ari 3 mlm mcm majlis kawin raja-raja zaman dulukala. Yang tak syoknye, ada ke rombongan pengantin lelaki kena dera berjemur tengah panas masa upacara 'tol' and silat pengantin. Ramai la pulak yang nak tunjuk 'skill panglima'. Punya la lama sampai kapten kompang pun takleh tahan. Dia yang selamatkan we all dari terus kena jemur and bawak pengantin ke pelamin. Itupun sebab team kompang dah abis lagu nak main.

Akibat dari proses penjemuran tu, on Monday aku pi kerja dengan muka yang mengelupas. Badan pulak start rasa tak best tapi nasib baik rasa tu berkurang lepas telan panadol. Takut gak tersakit, I just can’t afford to be sick at this moment. Keje tengah banyak. Tapi on the other hand urusan mama n ayah yang banyak yang tak setel lagi. Semuanya urusan yang memang memerlukan khidmat aku so ndak tak ndak terpaksa gak aku apply cuti. Anak mithali la katakan, muehehe..

Lega and berbaloi rasanya ambik cuti bila semua urusan dapat disetelkan. Tapi, problem lain pulak yang datang. Ntah ape silap yang aku makan, petang tu lepas makan nasi goreng paprik ayam, aku start rasa tak best. Memula aku buat tak tahu jek then tekak start rasa semacam pas tu mula la muntah and cirit birit. Langsung takleh bau apa-apa, mesti muntah. Semua yang aku makan or minum direject dek Encik Perut termasuk la ubat yang doktor bagi. Confirm makin kering badan aku yang dah kering ni. (Benda ni mengingatkan aku pada satu kes dulu. Happened about the same month few years back with the same symptoms.)

This food poisoning dah buat plan aku lari sikit. Dahle kena MC, tak dapat nak masuk opis then I'm worried about E's wedding reception. This week is going to be the groom's side. With this condition, macam mana nak tolong diaorang? Apa yang aku boleh buat just datang bagi support dengan tunjukkan muka walaupun tak larat nak tolong buat ape-ape. In the end niat aku tunjukkan muka tak sampai semuanya gara-gara takleh tahan dengan bau. At last diaorang soh aku tido jek kat bilik atas. Masa tu, punyelah berdoa biar aku baik before majlis E and janganlah aku tak sihat bila hari mama and ayah nak berangat. Luckily, bila tiba ari majlis aku dah sihat walafiat.

To E, Selamat Pengantin Baru. (Kawin dah sepupu aku yang sama-sama jadik geng main perang bantal masa kecik-kecik dulu..hehe) May God bless your marriage and may you happpily ever after! Amin!!

Selesai jek majlis ni, focus aku pada preparation mama and ayah pulak. Cuma ada masa dua hari sebelum mama and ayah berangkat. Tak sabar nak setelkan everything tapi at the same time i don't want the time to pass so fast......